#its so interesting. like. in the apocalypse of course its not that scary anymore to witness something happening that you don't understand | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stonecoldjerseyfox · 4 years ago

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Jersey on my mind (part 38)

A faint, warm breeze caresses Mila’s face as she and Juri walk along the quiet street, running alongside the newly built wall. A few of the Alexandrian men are working on the final piece, funnily enough nearby the church that caused it to break. It’s been two months since the wall collapsed now, or at least that’s what she thinks. Mila looks at the new construction as she and Juri passes, feeling a sense of calm throughout her soul as her eyes sweep over the repaired structure that has also been expanded; a part of Deanna’s original plan for the community. On the piece of the wall that stood by the invasion, next to the small graveyard, someone has written the name of those who have perished; loved ones, friends, family and those who became family after the outbreak. It’s a nice memorial site, a quiet corner of the community. Since that day, when the walkers poured into Alexandria, everything has gone back to a somewhat normal state.

It’s a hot mid-summer’s day, the sky is blue and the clouds look extra fluffy. Juri points towards them and gestures as if he squeezed an invisible marshmallow between his soft little fingers.

“Yeah they look tasty.” Mila smiles and squints up towards the floating clouds cruising by without a hurry. “What about-” Softly, she pinches Juri’s button nose. “I try to find us some yummy marshmallows for a barbecue when I get back, huh?”

With glittering eyes Juri nods and hugs her tightly; obviously he is positive about the idea.

“Then it’s a date.” Mila chuckles and hugs Juri back, before putting him down on the ground. “Ufh, you are getting heavy. Soon I won’t be able to carry you around.”

With a proud, sunny face Juri stretches, he’s certainly not a little guy anymore; in Mila’s eyes, paradoxically, he’s still her little baby, while she’s also well aware that he’s turning four in a few months. Where the heck did the years between infancy and two go? With a smile, she thinks of Maggie and what adventure awaits her and Glenn in the years to come. At least they have each other, a small consolation when the world is constantly on the brink of doom.

“Since you’re a big boy now, you’re going to teach Maggie’s baby a lot of important things. Like Carl does with you and Judith.” Mila says and takes Juri’s hand. “You think you can do that?”

Juri nods, with eyes that take the task very seriously. He adores Carl like an older brother and being addressed as a big boy, doing ‘Carl-stuff’, is everything he’s ever wanted. Juri gestures with his free hand and makes a finger walk in the air; of course he will teach the new baby to walk. But when he lets go of Mila’s hand, to show that he’s going to teach the baby to tie its shoes, Mila raises her left eyebrow.

“Well, I think we have to practice that one a little bit, Malysh.” Mila says.

Stubbornly, Juri signals that he’s already trying to learn, or rather states, very stubborn, that Daryl should teach him. He’s done it before, Juri gestures with a triumphant grin.

“Really?” Mila smiles. “Sure, I bet he’s good at it. What’s left for me then? I’m just gonna sit by and watch?”

By putting his hands together in front of him and pointing his index fingers straight ahead, Juri gestures a finger-gun. He narrows one eye and pretends to aim and fire. He points at her with a smile, clarifies that she’s best at shooting, therefore she should teach him.

“Spasibo, malysh.” She winks at Juri. “Not quite yet, though. But I promise you, I will.”

Further down the street, both of them catch sight of Daryl and Denise. They part, Denise walks away from them and Daryl turns and starts to walk in their direction. Mila waves at him and Juri starts to run as fast as his short legs possibly can towards their favorite archer. Despite his packing, a backpack and the crossbow, Daryl receives Juri when he reaches him; he lifts him up in the air on straight, strong arms, making Juri’s blonde hair dance around his angelic face. The silent laugh that spreads on his face makes Mila’s heart swell with joy. She had never thought that the surly archer would melt completely because of a, certainly charming, mute toddler; her little ray of sunshine. He even smiles as he lifts Juri into the air. Surely a sight for sore eyes, she thinks as they meet in the middle of the street.

“Ya’ ready?” Daryl greets her as he puts Juri down. “We’re heading out now.”

“All done.” She replies, notices a piece of paper in Daryl’s hand. A shopping list? “That’s a nice little list you got there.” Mila peeks over the edge of the slightly crinkly paper, that looks like it’s been passed around the entire community. “Food, gas, some medicine, more medicine… another medicine-” She frowns her eyebrows. “Orange soda?”

“Dunno.” He shrugs. “Denise wanted to surprise Tara.”

“That’s nice.” Mila nods.

It was decided last night that Tara and Heath would go on a longer supply run. Daryl was asked to follow, but declined. Mila suspected that it was because of her; she’s been a bit under the weather the last couple of days; she’s been tired and just a bit feeble, felt nauseated. Carol was sure it was just her female hormones acting out, which could very well be a possibility. Tracking a period during the apocalypse wasn’t high on her ‘to do’-list, so she brushed it off. Daryl didn’t say anything about the reason for his decision, but Mila guessed that he didn’t feel like leaving her behind, even though she’s neither sick or… well, anything really. Just a bit tired. Instead, it was decided that Daryl and Rick would go on a supply run. Mila offered to come along; Daryl couldn’t possibly stop her from following, so it was settled that she’d tag along.

They walk to the dusty Chrysler sedan together. Rick’s already in place, assuring that his gun is loaded and attached properly to his belt when they arrive.

“Mornin’.” He greets them with a nod; Once a cop, always a cop. The only thing missing is the wide-brimmed hat. “Ready to go?”

Both of them nod and Daryl hands Rick the list of supplies.

“Ya’ see anything you miss?” He asks.

Rick glances through the list quickly.

“We’re outta’ toothpaste.” He states and lifts his eyes to them, waving the note between his fingers. “Keep an eye open for spearmint and baking soda. Michonne’s orders.”

“Got it.” Mila turns to Juri and squats in front of him. “Okay, be nice to Carol and the others, don’t run away.”

With a serious look, Juri reminds her of the promise of marshmallows.

“I’ll remember.” Mila promises and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “There, davay.” She gets up from the ground as Juri turns and runs over to the porch, climbs the stairs and gets into the house to find Carol.

They get in the car, Rick and Daryl in the front seat and Mila in the back seat. She puts her handgun and backpack in the seat next to her and Rick rolls over to the gates, where Eugene’s about to push it open for them. On the other side, pierced on a couple of rebar attached to a broken car, a couple of walkers are trying their best to reach for them with their worn, boney arms, all in vain.

Eugene strutts over to the passenger seat of the car and leans into the open window. The mullet looks more solid than ever as he hands Daryl another note. “I mapped out some of the agricultural supply places in the area.” He says in the heavy Texan accent Mila finds incredibly fascinating. “Even if they’ve been cleaned out, my bet is that the sorghum would be untouched. Now, that there is a criminally underrated grain that could change the game with our food situation from scary to hunky-dunky.”

No one says anything. Mila rests her elbows on the backs of the driver’s and passenger seats and leans in so her head sticks out in between the two men in the front.

”I'm talking standability-” Eugene continues. “Drought tolerance, grain-to-stover ratio that is the envy of all corns.” He pauses. “Think about it.”

”Gosh I could listen to him forever.” Mila says and looks at Rick. “Hunky-dunky.” She repeats in an as good as it gets Texan accent, while meeting Eugene’s eyes.

“All right.”

The car drives out through the gate, Rick accelerates and they leave Alexandria behind.

“I’m having a good feeling ‘bout today.” Rick says cheerful.

“Really?” Mila replies.

“Just-” Rick shrugs. “You know- You just feel it. Today’s the day. We're gonna find food, maybe some people. The law of averages has gotta catch up.”

“We ain’t seen nobody for weeks.” Daryl notes. “Maybe we ain’t gonna find nobody.”

“That’s sunny.” Mila says, strokes his bare arm with her fingertips. “Let’s cheer this bad boy up, sheriff.”

Rick grins and pushes ‘play’ on the stereo. The music starts faintly and Mila recognizes the band as Social Distortion.

”Oh I like this one!” Mila exclaims and starts to sing along.

”Thought ya’ only liked country?” Rick looks at her in the rearview mirror.

”Nuh.” Mila shakes her head. ”I’m full of surprises. Fun fact, I went to a bunch of cool concerts back in Jersey. These guys, Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, Rise Against, Pearl Jam- Lots of rock, punk, country-” Mila continues to sing along when the chorus starts. ”I made out with the Social Distortion singer, Mike Ness, after a concert. Or at least I think it was him.”

”Think?” Daryl sputters and turns to look at her.

”I was eighteen!” Mila shrugs easily. “And drunk beyond judgement.” She confesses. ”He was- old, kinda’ handsome. Smelled quite nice, except the sweat. When I think about it, it could just as well be any middle aged guy with tattoos and tons of hair wax working backstage. I will never know for sure. But I’d like to believe it was the singer. Makes the story more interesting.”

Rick laughs.

“Concerts are wild.” He agrees while tapping the steering wheel. “I took Lori to see Tim McGraw once, before Carl was born. Cheap fried hot wings, beer in red plastic cups, great music; great night.”

“Is he the-” Mila starts to hum while drumming on the thighs. “Hu-huuu- I like it, I love it-”

“-I want some more of it-” Rick tunes in and snaps his finger to her beat. “I try so hard, I can't rise above it. I don't know what it is 'bout that little gal's lovin’-”

“Christ sake-” Daryl sighs and slides further down the passenger seat.

“Here-” Rick hands Mila the worn plastic case of cd’s from the door pocket. “Find something good.”

“Yes, captain.” Mila unzips the case and starts to flip the plastic pages, filled with scratched cd’s, before finding something that looks promising. “Here-”

“Please, don’t-” Daryl pleads.

Too late. She leans into the front seat and pushes the cd into the radio.

“Crank it up!”

Rick turns the volume wheel up to fourteen and both he and Mila happily exclaims “yeeeah” when the intro to “Life is a highway” blasts out of the cheap stereo.

“Ya’ both crazy!” Daryl cries, in an attempt to drown out the radio.

“Draws ‘em away from home!” Rick calls before tuning into the catchy chorus with Mila.

Rick knows the lyrics even better than she does; she still stumbles on the fast lines combined with her not pitch perfect english.

After driving for awhile, while continuing their exceptional singalong, Daryl manages to override the music:

”Look-” Daryl points out of the window and Rick hits the brakes in a matter of seconds. ”Back up.”

While Mila stretches forward and turns down the volume, Rick puts in reverse gear and drives the car back to the intersection. About a hundred meter to their right lies a couple of buildings. A silo, a shed and a barn, with ’sorghum’ written all over the dirty white roof. Rick turns the wheel, hits the gas and drives in the direction of the barn. He drives up on the dirt road and parks in front of the red building. It looks untouched, as if no one else knew about the great power of the sorghum. They step out of the car and look around. It’s quiet, no walkers.

“Let’s check it out.” Rick looks around the corner.

”Best to be safe.” Daryl says and walks over to the storage roll up door. He checks the handle, nods as to tell that it’s unlocked. ”Ya’ cover?” He looks up at her and Rick.

”Yup.” Rick returns, hand on his gun.

While the two men get ready for combat, Mila throws a glance out over the fields surrounding the barn; keeping an eye open for potential enemies. The door goes up with a loud noise and Rick bursts into the barn. Mila’s eyes land on the back of a truck.

“No sorghum?” Mila says.

”Doesn’t look like it.” Rick turns to her and Daryl. “We’re good.” He states and points at the truck. ”One more time?”

”It ain’t locked.” Daryl puts his hand on the handle and thugs at the box truck roll up door that rolls up with a rattle.

”Wohaa!” Mila exclaims.

The truck is filled with supplies; food, blankets, towels, everything really. It must be their lucky day.

”How ’bout that?” Daryl says. “Looks like we’re done for today.”

”Let’s get this thing going, grab our gear and come back for the car later. Take another way back and see what we can see.” Rick states. “We still need to find more things.”

”I’ll go start it up-” Mila says. ”If it starts.”

”I think it does.”

”Also one of your optimistic predictions?” She smirks at Rick, turns and walks over to the drivers side and opens the door. ”Hah, they where dumb enough to leave the keys.”

Daryl unloads the most necessary things from the car, Rick locks it with a ‘beep’ on the key and they get inside the truck; Mila makes herself comfortable between her two companions and they backs out of the barn and hits the road. They head in the direction Rick drove before Daryl asked him to stop. The road is lined by green, lush forest. The sun has settled behind some clouds, but it’s still warm, a sticky moist heat that doesn’t really make Mila’s tiredness any better. She’s already drinked a whole bottle of water by herself and starts to feel her jeans push at her bladder. In the distance, she sees what looks like a very run-down gas station.

“Should we check it out?” Daryl looks at Rick, who nods. “Might be some gas left.”

“Let’s find out.”

Rick parks at the first pump and they get out of the truck. The gas station is a mess; debris everywhere, an abandoned jeep is parked outside and the black color of the roof has begun to flake and exposes the gray metal underneath. The store looks equally miserable. She strolls up to the doors and peeks through the dirty glass, but sees nothing else than darkness. On her right Daryl’s checking out a tipped-over vending machine, filled with soda and candy. Someone must’ve given up halfway through their attempt to move it, Mila thinks.

“Give me a hand with this.” Daryl says.

Rick, looking around the desolated place, turns on the spot and walks over to help. Besides her urge to pee, Mila’s struck by a slight sensation through her head, like nausea, just as she has been doing on and off the last two days. Heck, not now.

“I just gotta- you know.” She makes a whistling sound, to signal that she needs to find a toilet, or just walk behind the corner of the gas station to pee, or vomit - right now she cannot decide which of them she needs the most.

“We’ll get this.” Daryl nods towards the vending machine.

Mila turns and walks towards the door of the gas station. She thugs at it, then pushes it open with force. It’s barricaded with a shelf and she creates a passage wide enough for her to get through and walks inside the dark store, gun raised in front of her. She lets her gaze get used to the dark, then sweeps over the empty, chaotic store before she walks towards the back of it, towards the door with ‘staff only’, hanging on just one hinge. The back of the shop, a room that looks like something between an office and a storage, with walls clad in brown wooden panels, is also empty. She quickly finds the ‘staff only’-toilet that doesn’t look far too disgusting to sit down on. She closes the door halfway, to prevent herself from being in total darkness. While unzipping her jeans she curses herself for not bringing a flashlight. As she sits down, she promises herself to wash her whole body with steel wool as soon as they are back in Alexandria; the toilet stinks of urine and It must be a pure bacteria party in the small space. She closes her eyes, feels how the nausea calms down a bit, focuses to breath through her mouth to close out the acrid smell. She takes another breath and feels her bladder relax, happy to release the huge amount of water she drank.

Despite the disgusting toilet, it feels better to go to the toilet inside than outside. Mila reluctantly remembers the time she had to pee in the woods, and a walker snuck up behind her. With her trousers around her ankles, Mila had to ward off the armless, dead man. It wasn’t her proudest moment for sure.

Loud voices and thumps make her wake up from her thoughts. Mila almost falls on her nose getting up from the toilet seat with her jeans around her ankles. Swearing over the fact that she might have to repeat her unworthy pants incident, she makes her way out from the bathroom, thuggin’ on her panties and jeans to get them over her ass, to see what’s going on outside. Is there an ambush? She loses balance, while trying to zip her pants, when she makes her way out in between the gap in the door and drops to the pavement. While brushing her hair out of her face, Mila catches sight of Daryl and Rick standing out in the street. The truck is gone.

“What the heck?!” She cries and gets up from the ground, fiddling with the zipper. “Where’s the truck?”

“Gone.” Rick hollers back at her.

Mila lets go of the zipper again -whatever if she shows off her undies at this point- and holds out her arms, to show that she noticed that very well on her own.

“I was gone for like, five minutes, and now you lost the truck?”

“He took it-” Rick continues.

“He who?”

“Some goddamn’ hippie.” Daryl scoffs angrily. “Crashed into Rick and then drove off with the truck, swiped the keys.”

“Wha- just like that?” Mila says, more confused than ever. What the hell happened?

“We talked to him.”

“Okay… and?”

“Told us his name- called himself Jesus.”

“Yeah I’m sure that’s his name.” Mila laughs dryly; right, Jesus Christ would surely show up in the middle of nowhere and steal a truck filled with toothpaste, food and other supplies. “Jesus don’t steal trucks.” She says. “Jesus isn’t even real! And how on earth did he overpower both of you?”

The two men in front of her transform into two ashamed puppies, that’s been caught peeing on the carpet, in the matter of seconds. Mila suspects that they weren’t overpowered but tricked; muscles and guns are no use for cunning, and she knows a lot about the latter.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Mila sighs, squats and ties her boots with an extra secure double knot. “Lets go.”

“What?” Daryl looks at her.

“We gotta follow the truck.” She replies and thanks her lucky star for not having eaten anything heavy earlier this morning. “I won’t let someone who believes himself to be Jesus just steal our truck. I went to church back in Russia when I was a child; stealing is a sin, which makes this Jesus a hypocrite. Come on.”

Mila starts to run. Had she known she would have to chase after a truck, she would have taken a pair of running shoes. They pass the vending machine after a few hundred meters, discarded in the middle of the road. Mila brakes and takes a deep breath, wiping sweat from her forehead. The sticky heat is killing her and the three of them drip with sweat. Rick’s shirt is several shades darker and Daryl looks almost freshly showered. Next to her, Rick doubles down and rests his hands on his knees, still hugging the gun.

“How far do you think he’d come?” She pants.

“Dunno.” Daryl takes a crowbar from his backpack, shatters the display case of the vending machine and starts to stuff orange sodas and some snacks into his bag. He reaches Mila a can. “Here, drink.”

She smiles, as to say ‘thank you’ and opens the can. The soda is somewhere between lukewarm and warm, but it’s better than nothing. She finishes the can quickly and wipes her mouth on the back of her arm.

“Isn’t this the soda Denise wanted?” She asks.

“Uhu.” Daryl nods. “Special request.”

He takes one of the cans, punctures a hole in its side and pours the lukewarm orange drink into his mouth. Very classy.

“Hey, whatever she wants. She saved Carl's life.” Rick replies and receives the can from Daryl. “If there's still people out here, and they're still people, we should bring 'em in.”

“Still feelin’ positive, huh?” Daryl asks his friend. “Takin’ em in? Like this guy, stealing our truck?”

“No, not this guy.”

Daryl turns and looks at her, the gaze wanders from top to bottom.

“Ya’ good to go?” The look is caring, protective. As if he was trying to say 'sorry ‘bout the bumpy ride'.

Mila nods, feels a drop of sweat run down her lip, into her mouth.

“Let’s get this over with.” She replies and collects her long, sweaty hair on the back of her head, ties it up with a hair tie. “I’ve ran marathons, remember.”

They set off again at a slightly faster pace, strengthened by the soda. Mila breathes calmly as she sprints over the concrete, counts her breaths as she used to do when she was an avid runner and used to go out for a long run for fun. The circumstances are a bit different from back then; no running shoes or comfortable running clothes in bright colors, no iPod filled with upbeat music and no fitness clock tracking her pulse and her route. The boots are actually horrible to run in, the same goes for jeans, t-shirt and denim shirt, plus a backpack and weapons.

They follow the tire tracks until they reach a crest, where Daryl signals for them to stop. Carefully they ascend the hill until they can peek over the edge. In the hill down on the other side they see the truck, standing still. It has a puncture and Mila immediately sees a long-haired man with a beard, dressed in a long coat and a beanie, which in itself is pure madness. She’s dripping with sweat and would never in her life put on a long coat or hat now.

“That’s him?” She asks faintly.

“That’s him.” Rick nods at them to follow him into the woods to the left.

They carefully make their way over the fallen leaves between the trees, without losing sight of the truck. The man walks around to the back of the car and they see their chance. They quickly get out of the woods, Rick takes the lead and throws himself forward, wraps his arms around the man from behind.

“Hold still and maybe we won’t hurt you.”

If Rick thought it would help, he was completely wrong. The man sends off an elbow into Rick’s stomach and is suddenly free again. He makes a move, kicks Rick in the guts and gets him down on the ground. It's obvious that the guy is a bit sharper than the rest of the knives in the drawer; Mila climbs out of the ditch just as the man is about to set off towards the driver’s door, but is stopped by Daryl. While the men fight with each other, Mila manages to get up on the road just as the bearded man slips out of Daryl’s arms, pushes him into the side of the truck, turns around and loses track completely at the sight of Mila, who -tired of running and still a little nauseous- has pulled out her gun and aims it at him.

“Surprise!”

The brief moment is enough for Daryl to get back on his feet. He sees his chance when the man turns and notices Mila and tackles him from behind, down into the ditch. At gunpoint, they finally have the upper hand.

“Thanks.” Daryl pants and looks at Mila.

“The power of surprise.” She shrugs and looks down at the man.

He’s about thirty, long brown hair, beard. Yes, she sees the resemblance to Jesus; every time she sat in church and counted the icons portraying him when she was little. The serious man with sloping shoulders, blue dress, beard and well-groomed hair. The difference is that the Jesus in the icons didn’t have a knitted beanie and a leather coat.

The foliage behind the man in the grass rustles. A walker then announces its presence, by a guttural hissing sound.

“Do you even have any ammo?” Jesus looks at them.

Without answering, Mila raises her gun at the walker and shoots.

“Okay.” Jesus nods, still with his hands raised in front of him. “You gonna shoot me over a truck?”

“There's a lot of food on that truck.” Rick says. “The keys - now.”

“I think you know I'm not a bad guy.”

Once again, Mila suddenly feels that unpleasant, nauseating feeling, but this time it spreads from her head down to her stomach. She turns around, hurries away a few meters, bends forward and vomits into the ditch. ‘Is she okay?’ she hears Jesus' question, while she spits and feels how she shivers all over her body; fuck, she hates to vomit. But it actually feels better.

“Ey-” She hears Daryl scoff at the poor guy. “Eyes here, dude! The keys!”

“I’m fine.” Mila hollers and waves her arm at them, still folded like a pocket knife.

“You sure?” Jesus calls back.

“Oh shut up!” She shouts. “It’s because of you I’m throwing up.”

“Sorry.”

“Just-” Mila straightens her back. She feels less nauseated, a bit weak but otherwise much better. “Give us the keys.”

For some reason, Mila can’t figure out why, Jesus throws her the keys. It might be out of pity, or the fact that her two comrades are holding him at gunpoint; she nods at him, as a way to say thanks.

While Rick ties Jesus up, Daryl hurries over to her.

“Ya’ okay?” His eyes are worried. “Ya’ sick?”

“No I’m fine.” Mila nods averted. “Probably just too much running and too little breakfast. I’m good now.” She smiles. “Just, don’t kiss me until we’re back and I’ve brushed my teeths, okay?”

He doesn’t look completely convinced, but he grunts a little, caresses her cheek and places a kiss on her forehead instead.

“There’s toothpaste in the back of the truck.” He says, before returning to Rick and Jesus.

Mila gets into the truck, sits down in the middle seat and closes her eyes; maybe she should try to find one of those toothpastes, she has a foul taste in her mouth. She looks around the cab and finds a pack of spearmint gum. As she pushes a third gum into her mouth, Daryl and Rick jump on either side of her.

“Where is Jesus?” She asks.

“On the street.”

“What? We can’t just leave him?”

“Of course we can.” Rick replies, turns the key and starts the car.

“So long, you prick.” Daryl shouts out of the window as they drive off.

Mila chuckles dryish; She has an underlying sense that something is going to happen. Karma. She takes out the case of cd’s from her backpack, picks the “best of sixties” album and pushes the cd into the stereo. The sound of Connie Francis “Tennessee waltz” crackles out of the speakers and Daryl hands out snacks from the vending machine.

“Still worked out. Today still is the day.” Rick recalls while snacking on a chocolate-peanut bar. He then points in front of him. “Hey, look at that.”

The truck drives out of the forest, and Mila sees both fields and buildings.

“Yeah, a barn.“ Daryl says.

As Rick turns off in the direction of the barn, something makes them all fall silent and listen; thumps, like something hitting the truck box, is heard even over the loud music.

“What’s that?” Mila exclaims. “You hear that?”

It’s inevitable what the noise is; footsteps.

“I think that son of a bitch is on the roof.” Daryl says.

All three of them react at the same time; Rick stands on the brake pedal, the car stops with a howl and Jesus falls down in front of the windshield and tumbles to the ground. Daryl, swearing loudly, throws himself out of the car to follow him and Mila follows Daryl. She has no idea why, but her gut feeling tells her that Daryl won’t be gentle on him. It also tells her that Jesus probably isn’t dangerous at all, which isn’t in his favor if Daryl, who’s all muscles and pretty bad impulse control, gets a hold of him.

“Daryl-” She calls. “No- Stop!”

“I’ve had enough of ya’!” Daryl shouts at Jesus, not hearing Mila.

This must look ever so stupid, Mila thinks as she sprints after Daryl and the hippy-dippy guy into the dry green field; like one of those silent films, except that the soundtrack in this case happens to be Helen Shapiro’s “Walking back to happiness” playing from the car. Mila running after Daryl, running after this odd long-haired man who seems to believe he’s Jesus. Why in the world would he otherwise call himself that?

”No- no, stop it!” Mila shouts, as if she was scolding at a bad dog.

She stumbles and falls flat on her stomach, while Jesus reaches the now stationary truck and throws himself into the driver’s seat. Daryl follows.

“Come here, you little shit!” He barks and starts to drag Jesus out of the car.

At the same time a walker has snuck up behind Daryl. Mila gets up on her knees, gropes for her gun, but before she has managed to raise it to shoot, she hears Jesus call out ‘duck’; Daryl ducks just in time. A gun finds its way into the walker's skull and it falls back like a bowling pin.

“Thanks.” Daryl pants, then sends off a punch into Jesus face. “That's my gun! Come here!”

He throws Jesus out of the truck, onto the grass. He doesn’t remain there for long; instead, he lays hooks for Daryl, who stumbles, giving Jesus time to get up on his feet and set off again.

“Son of a-” Daryl roars and runs after.

“Fuck- knock it out!” Mila shouts and increases her speed, minimizing the distance between herself and her, frankly pissed off, other half. Before Daryl’s able to take another leap in his hunt for the handcuffed, longhaired karate kid, she tackles him to the ground with a thud. ”Stop this!” Mila climbs up on top of him, to prevent Daryl from getting up from the grass. ”This is stupid!”

”Christ- knock it out ya’!”

Crap, she doesn’t have time to argue. Mila climbs over Daryl and sets after Jesus, who has slowed down to watch the wrestling match played out in the grass behind him. A surprised expression spreads on his bearded face as he sees her approaching, faster than he imagined. Jesus turns and starts to run again, but he doesn’t get up to speed fast enough. Mila lunges for him and they tumbles to the ground in a bundle of arms and legs, and she starts to wrestle him. He doesn’t fight her, but he tries with all his power to get loose from her grip. Mila gets a sharp elbow in the eye and a cracked lip before hobo-Jesus is ripped away from her by Daryl, who looks like he’s boiling.

“Ey, that’s ma’ girl, ya’ scumbag!”

“Wohaa, jeez.” The long haired, ravaged man, flies like a raggedy Anne-doll through the air.

Mila gets up from the ground, covered in dry grass and wipes blood from her mouth on the back of her hand. Her eye pounds and already feel swollen, a certain recipe for an upcoming, gorgeous black eye. Daryl pants loudly through his nostrils while holding on to the ravaged man’s coat, the poor guy can barely stand up straight.

“I had him.” Mila glares at Daryl and spits blood on the ground in front of her feet.

“I’d had him if ya’ didn’t tackle me.” Daryl scoffs back, still holding on to Jesus' collar.

“You’d kill that poor man if you’d catched him.” Mila replies, pointing at Jesus. “You’re not exactly sensible when you’re angry.”

“Oh yeah right, you’re the one to talk!” Daryl scoffs back. “What about that guy’s kneecaps-”

“I had every right-” Mila cries. “He sliced my guts with a fucking machete!”

”You two are related of some sort?” Jesus doubtfully breaks in.

”Married!”

“What?” Daryl sputters, looking both terrified and shocked at her sudden, out of the blue exclamation.

“Feels like it!” Mila replies and spits more blood; they’re arguing like they were married at least. “Pridurok...” She mutters, eyes locked at Daryl.

”Oh-” Jesus pants and looks just as confused as Daryl does, plus a bit tufted. “Right-”

“Shut up.”

Pow! Jesus falls to the ground. Mila rolls her eyes; why does he have to punch everyone? She snorts and turns, stepping through the tall grass in the direction of the car. Damn hypocrisy, she thinks to herself. She passes Rick, who walks in the opposite direction out in the tall grassy field, holding his bloody knife, but ignores him. She’s frankly grumpy and her eye hurts. But she halts when she doesn’t spot the truck.

“Where the fuck is the truck!?”

She looks around. It’s nowhere to be seen. As she lets her gaze sweep over the field she catches sight of something behind some trees, in the small pond.

“Shit.” Rick comes up at her side, eyes locked at the truck that’s sinking further down the pond. “He must’ve knocked it into neutral.”

“Now what?”

They both turn and start walking back towards Daryl and the man in the grass.

“Are you alright?” Rick looks at Daryl. “Let's go check them cars, get the hell out of here.”

“What about the guy?” Mila points at Jesus.

“What about him?” Daryl asks.

“Well, he was actually nice, saved you.” She replies.

“Hm.”

“Did he ever pull a weapon on you?” Rick asks.

“Fine.” Daryl sputters. “Fuck- fine. Let’s put him up a tree.”

“No. He’ll come back with us.” Mila corrects, giving Daryl a sharp gaze. “Enough of that grumpy attitude.” She nods at Jesus. “Come on, let’s find a car. Drag him with you.”

They find a working car about fifteen minutes later. Daryl throws Jesus into the backseat. Mila takes the wheel, Daryl calls shotgun and Rick takes place next to Jesus, who’s still knocked out and they start driving back to Alexandria.

“He took a pretty hard hit.” Rick says and meets Mila’s gaze in the mirror, then looks at Jesus. “Denise needs to look him over.”

“Try to wake him.” Mila suggests. “See if he’s got permanent brain damages.”

Rick shakes the man, who grunts and starts moving. He blinks and jumps.

“You’re alive.” Rick says. “Good.”

“Yeah-” Jesus grunts again. “Why am I in a car? I heard something about a tree.”

“It was a joke.” Mila says, meeting his drowsy eyes in the mirror.

“It wasn’t.” Daryl looks at her.

“You wouldn’t have gone through with it.” Mila gives him a sharp gaze. “You wouldn’t have left him.”

“I would’ve-” Daryl nods upwards. “Right up in a tree.”

“He’s a comedian.” Mila says, once again looking at Jesus in the mirror, not taking notice of Daryl’s irritated expression. “Or at least tries to be.”

”Where have you been all my life?” Jesus chuckles and looks at her in the mirror and sends off a radiant smile that tells Mila that he’s using mouthwash on a daily basis.

”Ey- knock it out!” Daryl reaches back and slaps the man on his tied up hands.

Mila lets out a faint laugh. Huh, look at that; a jealous Daryl Dixon. Jeez Louise, there’s nothing to worry about, Mila thinks to herself, but Daryl’s poor self-confidence doesn’t make it easy for him. She pats her jealous, southern knight on the back of the hand.

”He looks like a hippy dippy orthodox priest.” Mila gives the surly, blushing archer a soft gaze. “Calm down, Dixon.” She turns to the rear view mirror and the hippy dippy man in the backseat. If papa was here, he wouldn’t have let him inside the car. Not in a million years. “No offense, but you do.” She says to Jesus.

”None taken.” He nods at her with a curious gaze. “What’s up with the accent?”

”Up and running, thanks for noticing.”

While steering the car with her knees, Mila once again takes out the case of cd’s, now missing the one with sixties-music, takes out a random cd and puts it in the stereo. She adjusts the volume-wheel on the radio and increases the sound of “The Chain” and starts to tap the wheel while singing along.

“You’re a really good singer.” The man in the back calls after a while.

“Thanks.” Mila replies backwards. “I’m a dental nurse.”

“Did you sing to the patients?”

“To the kids, sometimes. Some terrified men before they, you know-” She closes her eyes and pretends to snore. “Put them down.”

“I’m sure that’s not what it’s called.” Rick replies.

“I made them sleep.” Mila shrugs her shoulders. “Right?”

“Not what it sounded like.” Daryl says and meets her eyes, with a slightly amused expression on his stern face.

“Anyway I think it sounded beautiful.” Jesus says.

”I like this guy!” Mila looks at him and Rick with an excited smile upon her face, nodding her head to the beat of the music. ”Can we keep him?”

“He ain’t a dog.”

“But he’s quite fun!”

”You see.” Jesus says triumphantly. “She likes me.”

That’s it for Daryl. He turns and once again starts to try and hit the guy. Mila hits the brakes and the car stops with such force that Jesus is thrown into the headrest of the passenger seat, and dozes off.

“Knock it off!” Mila roars. “Or I won’t drive an inch further.”

The angry mom-voice isn’t only effective on children, it works really well on adult men as well. Daryl mutters and returns to his seat. Mila steps on the gas pedal again and continues to drive. Outside, it eventually starts to get dark. The sky is clear and the stars look brighter than ever. When she brakes at the gate to Alexandria, it’s pitch black. Daryl gets out, opens the gate and she drives into the community; a sensation of calm spreads throughout her body. That’s when she remembers.

“Shit.”

“What?” Rick asks.

“Forgot to get marshmallows.”

When the gate’s closed and locked, Daryl gets into the car again and Mila drives up to the infirmary, parks and the engine dies. The three of them get out of the car and stretch. What a fucking day, Mila thinks to herself, while watching Rick and Daryl dragging the still unconscious Jesus out of the backseat. They carry him up the stairs to the infirmary, knock on the door and wait. Denise opens in a few seconds.

“Sorry to wake you up.” Rick excuses himself before Denise can say something.

From her spot at the car, Mila notices Denise’s confused expression as she notices the lifeless man.

“Who is this?!”

“Come on, man, he's heavy.” Daryl says to Rick. “Oh, that thing-” He looks at Denise. “Uh, didn't work out. It's this asshole's fault. Sorry.”

While they bring Jesus inside, Mila leans up against the hot hood and looks at the stars. Juri has probably been asleep for a while now. She doesn’t know what time it is, but it’s late. Rick and Daryl walk out of the infirmary just as she catches sight of the pole star.

“He’s taken care of.” Daryl says as he walks up to her. He examines her in detail in the faint glow of the infirmary. “Let’s patch ya’ up.”

Mila doesn’t struggle. She’s tired and hungry. They go back into the infirmary and she sits down on one of the beds with clean, white sheets and exhales. There’s a mirror in the corner of the room. When Mila sees her reflection, she sighs even deeper; she has a pretty neat blackeye and a cracked lip. Daryl sits down on the stool in front of her.

“A hell of a blackeye-” He squints at the look of her pulsating, sore eye. “Ya’ really took a few punches.” He takes the bottle with alcohol and a wipe and pours some onto it. “Like Rocky Balboa.”

“Yeah, but I won.” Mila replies.

“Just like Rocky.” Daryl replies. “Still though- hell of a fight.”

“Better me than you I guess.” Mila swears as Daryl, as gently as he can, wipes her cracked lip with the drenched wipe. “You’d kill him.”

Mila nods over Daryl’s shoulder, towards the knocked out man lying on the narrow hospital bed, handcuffed to the bed frame. Daryl turns, looks at Jesus, then scoffs.

“I’ll kill him if he ever puts his hands on ya’ again.” Daryl mutters and throws the wipe over the room, into the trash bin.

“Don’t have to, I’ll do it myself.” Mila smiles, but grimaces; it hurts to smile. “I know.” Daryl replies. “Sorry ‘bout earlier. For yellin’ at ya’.”

“You gotta work on that temper.” Mila states. “It ain’t good for the blood pressure.”

With a grunt, as much of an answer as anything, Daryl puts his hand at the back of her head, brings it to his lips and kisses her on the forehead.

“Ain’t gonna need to stitch ya’ up.” He says. “Come on, let’s get ya’ to bed, Rocky.”

“Yes, Adrien.” Mila grins wryly. “What about Jesus Christ Superstar?” She nods towards the other bed.

“Yeah we’ll deal with him later.”

“You gonna tuck me in first?” Mila asks. “I’d love that, but honestly, I need a quick shower before bed. I think I might have caught every possible STD there is from that disgusting toilet at the gas station.”

#jersey on my mind #daryl dixon #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl fanfiction #the walking dead fanfic #the walking dead fandom #the walking dead fanficition #the walking dead daryl #twd #twd fanfiction #twd daryl #twd fanfic

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starryviolentine · 4 years ago

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Color Me Blue (That’s Me Without You): A Pre-Apocalypse Story

(Sequel to Brody’s Diary) The events of a long weekend have twelve-year-old best friends Violet and Brody feeling all kinds of blue. Not quite the homey, familiar blue of a diary cover, nor the glittery liquid blue of their roommate’s nail polish. Gloomier, more melancholy shades of blue.

Part 1/10: Violet

Violet is unbelievably, incredibly bored.

All the students at Ericson’s Boarding School have a four-day weekend this week because of teacher conferences, or training… or something or other – Violet’s not sure of the exact reason, but all she knows is that it’s going be boring and lame because Brody will be gone the entire time, like always. Every time there’s a holiday break or even just a long weekend, the Burress family comes to pick Brody up so they can spend the time together.

Which completely sucks.

Well, not for Brody. Violet’s really happy that her friend gets to do lots of stuff with her family. When Brody comes back she always has interesting stories to tell, and sometimes she even brings back a little trinket as a souvenir for Violet, like one of those really pretty, colorful rocks from the science museum, or one of those pennies that you stick into those machines and it comes out imprinted with a picture. It’s just that it would be cool to be able to hang out with Brody and do those things together instead of being stuck at this boring, lame school.

Their bedroom was dark and quiet this morning, as is usually the case when Brody’s away. Brody’s the one who gets out of bed first and likes to let in the sunshine. If it’s particularly warm and the weather is nice, she’ll open their window and Violet wakes to a gentle breeze that always feels really nice. Their other roommate, Therissa, will sometimes grumble about Brody letting the pollen in or, if she’s really not in a good mood, just bang on the wall from her bunk and tell her to “Shut the damn blinds!”

Without Brody shuffling around the room doing this and that, Therissa, in typical teen fashion, is still sound asleep when Violet finally decides to get up. For a brief moment, the younger girl considers waking her roommate up so she has somebody to eat breakfast with, but she quickly changes her mind. Therissa can be scary when she’s woken up against her will. Violet decides that it’s not worth the risk.

After breakfast, Violet realizes that she has nothing else on her agenda for the day, so she purposely takes the long way back to the dormitories, hoping that she’ll think of something to do on the way. She could go for a walk outside… or practice her dribbling in the gym… or she could hang around the dormitories to see what other losers are stuck at Ericson’s on a long weekend and maybe do something with them. Violet scrunches up her nose at the thought of socializing and shakes her head. Nope. Not today.

And so that’s how Violet finds herself standing outside of the library.

Now, Violet has never been that big on reading. She reads sometimes, but only if there isn’t anything better to do, and only if the reading material is something she really cares about. Violet wanders slowly, aimlessly, running one finger along the spines of the books she passes. Her feet carry her quite effortlessly through the literary labyrinth to a familiar section in the back, near the tables and chairs. Going over to one of the bookcases in particular, she crouches down until she’s eye-level with a row of pastel paperbacks.

It’s a series about a group of teenage babysitters, and although Violet wouldn’t ever read it herself, she knows of a certain auburn-haired girl who’s currently hooked. Brody sped through the first thirty volumes in less than two weeks, and almost every evening before curfew she would drag Violet here so she could return one book and check out another (or two or three). Violet narrows her eyes at the triple digit number on the last volume, wondering how in the world the author could write over a hundred books about the same group of kids and not run out of ideas.

Hand hovering over a book with a yellow cover, Violet pauses and double – no, triple checks the area around her to make sure nobody’s watching. There’s not a soul in sight, but the back of her neck still prickles with embarrassment as she plucks the book from the shelf and flips through the first few pages. Violet just wants to see what Brody finds so fascinating about these books, that’s all.

Before she knows it, though, Violet is fifty pages deep and has nestled herself in a corner, back resting against one of the tall wooden bookcases. Unfortunately for her, she’s so focused on the words lining the pages of the book in her lap that she neither sees nor hears anybody approaching until there’s a shadow looming over her. Violet jumps and slams the book shut as her cheeks start to burn. Taking a moment to mentally prepare herself to face whoever just caught her red-handed reading what could honestly be the most embarrassing book series in the world, she slowly lifts her head while throwing in a quick prayer that it’s nobody she knows.

By some miracle, it’s not Marlon… or Mitch, both of whom Violet is certain would never let her live this down. She’s lucky that it’s nobody from her class, either. And thank god it’s not Therissa. Violet counts her lucky stars for that because her roommate would definitely tease her about this for the next century… and would absolutely tell Brody about it when she gets back.

It’s actually the school librarian, Mrs. Wilson, who’s looking down at Violet with a soft, apologetic smile. “Didn’t mean to startle you, dear. I just thought you might be more comfortable moving to one of the chairs over over there.”

“No! Um, no thank you,” Violet hastily replies, scrambling to her feet and tucking the book back into its space on the shelf. Now that she’s been seen, she has no intention of sticking around. “I-I have to go anyway.”

The blonde hightails it out of the library without looking back. Mrs. Wilson is probably the kindest, most helpful lady in this entire school, but Violet’s been in a strange sort of mood all morning and kind of just wants to be alone. Her library encounter leaves her feeling as though there’s nowhere safe to go without potentially running into somebody else, so, instead of continuing her little detour, Violet begrudgingly returns to the dorms.

She wonders if Therissa’s awake yet.

Ever since the whole bell tower incident, things have been a lot better between them. Of course, old habits die hard and Therissa is still Therissa, but she doesn’t rag on her and Brody as much anymore. They’ve been talking a lot more, too.

And it’s not that Violet’s hoping to hang out with her roommate today or anything like that. She’s just so bored and… well, it might be kind of fun to pester the teen for a bit. To kill time, of course.

Definitely not because she’s lonely without Brody.

#twdg brody #twdg violet #brody twdg #violet twdg #twdg #the walking dead game #fanfic #guess who's back #back again #i missed my pre apocalypse babies #color me blue

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thegeminisage · 5 years ago

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alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

ARE

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too)

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING!

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

#personal #merlin blogging #it took me three and a half hours to rewatch this episode because i kept pausing to scream #MERLIN DESERVES TO BE OUT TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME it's not FAIR #that episode deserved to be 20 minutes longer it ended too soon #in a happier world arthur found out about the magic and immediately took merlin's side and defended him against the genocidal maniac but app #apparently this show is a greek tragedy now

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thecloserkin · 6 years ago

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book review: Mira Grant, Deadline (2011)

Genre: Sci-Fi

Is it the main pairing: Yes

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: No

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: Yes

Bottom line: how is it possible that the book where one half of OTP is dead is shippier than the first one where they’re both alive

Book 2 of the Newsflash trilogy picks up with our boy Shaun, who’s turned desk jockey since he lost George, riding to the rescue of some buddies beset by a zombie swarm. Everyone makes it out alive and Shaun tries to play it like it’s no biggie but the truth is,

I’ve lost one of the integral traits of a good Irwin: I’m not having fun. When I wind up in the field, it’s a chore to be survived, not an adventure to be relished. Without that little spark of gosh-golly-wow to drive me on, I’m essentially a dead person walking … George is the one who stopped breathing, but I’m the one who gave up on living.

Without George he has nothing to live for and so he’s sensibly withdrawn from fieldwork. The one thing that keeps him going is George’s voice in his head, chiding him for (among other things) picking up a coffee instead of a can of Coke. He’s started drinking Coke to appease her. He says it himself: “I am a haunted house pretending to be a man.” As for whether she’s real or just a figment of his imagination, this is Shaun’s take:

Screw sane. I don’t want anything that makes her stop talking to me.

Buckle up for an angst rollercoaster, kids:

One apartment for me and George, who didn’t take up any physical space but was so much a part of every room that sometimes I could fool myself into thinking she had just stepped out for some fresh air.

Several people have said it doesn’t really feel like anybody lives there, and what they don’t seem to understand is I like it that way. As long as I’m not really living there, I never have to think about the fact that I’m living there alone.

Outwardly he’s functional i guess but this is not the behavior of a person who has Moved On.

Sometimes I think this series is a how-to manual for small business owners masquerading as science fiction. For Shaun and George, the work used to be everything. Now George is gone Shaun is in the unenviable position of having to make all the tough calls, and second-guessing every last one because maybe George would have done it better. Oy vey. Offhand he informs us that their parents are also suing Shaun for ownership of her intellectual property. I always knew they were vultures but seriously???

So Shaun’s raison d’être right now is to bring down the person or people who murdered George. Obviously this does not mean the ones who pulled the trigger, it means the ones who gave the order & plotted to remove her. In the process of doing this he uncovers an even bigger conspiracy—although maybe it’s merely the same conspiracy from Book 1, only expanded in scope. I’m not sure. What I’m mainly interested in is how bad absolutely clueless Shaun is at signaling or perceiving romantic interest. Like, there’s a co-worker/employee of his, and they’re thrown together rather a lot, and she’s clearly crushing on him hard only Shaun’s too dense to see it. After the whole affair ends disastrously (he sleeps with the poor girl then calls her by George’s name) he ruminates:

”Why would I know what the signs were? I never had to read them before.”

It’s obvious why Shaun, a not-unattractive grown ass man whose other social skills appear to fall well within the range of “normal,” has such atrophied skills when it comes to this one thing. He’s never had to use them. Here’s Maggie the relationship guru:

”Have you ever had a girlfriend?” “Not as such, no.” ”Have you ever been in love?” There’s never been a good answer to that question. I didn’t even try. I just shrugged.

I can’t find the tweet anymore but Seanan Maguire has confirmed that Shaun and George first got together the night after junior prom—they went with other people as a sort of experiment. (@JKRowling see, this is the sort of authorial headcanon that the fans actually clamor for.) The two of them just skipped right over the tentative fumbling awkward initial stages of dating, of getting to know each other, because they already know each other inside out. Shaun says:

Sometimes I’m even arrogant enough to think the Rising happened so we could be together.

Colloquially we use the term two people “being together” to mean they enter into an exclusive romantic relationship. But it’s intentionally ambiguous here whether he means that, or just the two of them finding each other, because what would have been the chances of their being raised together absent a global catastrophe like a zombie apocalypse. Shaun finds it impossible to separate the romantic aspect of their relationship from the familial bond, and that’s why I love incest thanks for coming to my ted talk. Oh, here’s Mahir the relationship guru:

”I mean, I didn’t know…” “What, that I loved your sister? Of course you didn’t, just like you had no idea Rebecca fancied you. You never had to go searching like the rest of us.”

Can I just say, on an unrelated note, I feel SO BAD for Mahir’s wife who’s not even a proper character? She doesn't get any screentime. But this is a small business how-to manual, remember, and the way Shaun is always ringing Mahir at 2 in the morning and Mahir feels obligated to pick up because it’s his boss? Mahir’s wife is a saint, canonize her immediately. Back to my earlier point about how Shaun has less experience with flirting/dating than your average fourteen-year-old:

This sort of thing was easier to handle when George was around. She was always the one who noticed when girls started crushing on me, and she made them go away. One way or another. I’ve never tried to deal with this sort of situation on my own before.

What’s fascinating is that it’s not just romantic entanglements that he’s at a loss to deal with:

I’d never driven any real distance with a passenger—not unless you counted George, who didn’t actually change the way the bike was balanced, or make it necessary for me to compensate for additional weight.

WHEN GEORGE RODE PILLION ON HIS MOTORCYCLE IT DIDN’T EVEN THROW OFF HIS BALANCE!!! He’s not used to having to think about compensating for a passenger’s weight bc with George everything came naturally!!! If this isn’t a metaphor for their entire relationship idk what the hell it is.

She didn’t like touching people, so I touched them for her. She didn’t like emotional displays, so I took up the slack.

She was the yin to his yang, they were a team etc etc. Here is how Shaun reacts when the book’s antagonist gives his Evil Villain Spiel:

”I never gave you much credit for brains, Shaun—that was your sister’s department, God rest her soul, and if she made any errors in judgment, it was in trusting you to watch her back—but I still thought you were smarter than this.” “You take that back,” I whispered.

Shaun couldn’t care less that this fool gives him zero credit in the brains department, but let him impugn George’s judgment even slightly and our boy is ready to throw hands. We stan.

These are my two favorite passages from the book:

George and I shared a lot of rooms exactly like this one, one of us dozing while the other kept working, the staccato click of keys providing the white noise that meant it was safe to sleep.

It’s a work partnership! It’s a sibling bond! It’s a romantic pairing! It’s us-against-the-world, it’s everything! Also this:

George and I used to have shower races. Who could get in and clean and out again in the shortest amount of time. All the guys we went to school with insisted that their girlfriends and sisters took forever in the bathroom, but George always beat me … once a month or so, she’d take over the bathroom for an afternoon to dye her hair back to its original color, which inevitably resulted in her shouting for me to come in and help her dye her roots. The sink on our old bathroom was stained a permanent brown by the time we were sixteen, and we ruined so many towels.

Lol the implied contrast between “other guys who complained about their gfs/sisters” and Shaun who’s been President of the Georgia Mason Fan Club for over two decades.

ANYWAY the twist at the end of this novel is that George is alive. She’s being held at some scary, sterile government facility, and it’s clear from a minor early plot point involving clones that this isn’t George, it’s got to be a George-clone. Because George 1.0 died in Shaun’s arms. But George 2.0 has got all George’s memories so we’re going to go ahead and treat her just like George, which sets us up nicely for alternating Shaun-and-George POVs when we return for the final installment of the “Newsflesh” trilogy.

#book review #newsflesh #georgia x shaun

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blackleatherjacketz · 6 years ago

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Words of Affirmation: Chapter 4

Negan x Reader (Single Mom)

Negan leaves after your confession and has you feeling a little uneasy, until...

Warnings: Angst City, Weapons Cleaning, Overthinking, Single Mom Stuff, Negan with Kids!, Spot the “Wicked” Reference

(Gif isn’t mine). Sorry it’s taken me so long to update! My life is a mess!

Read Chapter 3

Tags: @annablack1102 @the-galaxy-collector @mblaqgi @negans-network @hana-song137 @ask-kakashihatake @collette04 @negansdirtygirll @negansviolentdelights @haleyea @jmb959 @myrabbitholetoneverland @jdm-is-my-happiness

“Why don’t we forget about the dress and that asshole for a while?” His words were kind in intention, dripping heavily from his lips. That didn’t seem to soften the blow any when they reached your ears though, reminding you of the last time you were rejected. Why should your love life in the apocalypse be any different than your love life in the old world?

You felt his absence more deeply than you had anticipated, your heart dropping into your stomach as he decided to go on a run the exact same day that you’d slept in his bed. He got you a clean shirt and jeans to change into at least, insisting on burning the clothes you had spent the past few years in. They were tattered and torn, not allowing any room to argue with him even if you tried.

Your mind raced the next day or so whether you wanted it to or not, distracting you from your work in the armory. Negan had taken five of his men and six guns with him on the run, making it over twenty-four hours since they had left the Sanctuary. Did your confession spook him and make him run away? Was he turned off by you entirely? Was he going to treat you differently now that you’ve opened up to him? Did you let him in too fast? Should you have played hard to get? Why did you have to be so goddamn eager to let someone touch you, to let someone treat you like that? You knew the whole situation was too good to be true; that shower, his mouth, those hands… and maybe this place was, too.

“So, how was your little date with the boss?” Jamen interrupted your thoughts, smiling as he cleaned a rifle in the back of the room. His face and fingertips were covered in carbon, signaling how long he’d been at it as he pushed through the barrel of the military weapon with a bristle brush.

“Date?” You signed out a rifle just like his and set up shop next to your coworker. “Do those even exist anymore?” You opened the drawer and pulled out a weapons cleaning kit, unzipping the black bag and pouring it onto the table. You needed to get back into the habit of keeping your guard up.

“According to Max they do. He told me Negan brought you by the other day and told him ‘not to wait up’ so he could spend time with you.” He sat the rifle down. “That sounds like a date to me.”

“Max isn’t my father, J.” You checked the chamber for any ammo and started taking it apart. “We just spent some time together, that’s it.”

You didn’t want to talk about this here, with Jamen of all people. The rumors about girls and gossip were true, but you knew that the same went for men as well. The apocalypse had left little room for entertainment, so gossiping about other people’s lives was the most entertaining thing to do in the Sanctuary besides killing walkers. You’d only been here a couple of weeks, and you already knew far too much about most of the people here. The things you’ve heard come out of Jamen’s mouth, well… you could only imagine what he’d say if you told him the truth.

“I see you got new clothes and a shower.” He winked at you, putting the pieces back together. “Negan help you with that?”

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” You put your eye to the barrel, looking for any flecks of carbon or obvious obstructions. “Why don’t we talk about how badly you need to shower, huh?” You nudged him with your shoulder and forced a smile, hoping to shift gears to another topic of conversation.

“Ha, touché, mama, touché.” He smiled and dropped the subject, picking up on the fact you didn’t want to keep talking about it. “Did you hear that they found another community to get resources from?”

Jamen spent the rest of your shift talking about what he’d heard from Simon on the new community they found the other day. They called it the Hilltop, and it was full of lush gardens and other crops they could use here at the Sanctuary. Maybe it wasn’t you that scared Negan off after all. Maybe he just needed to get more supplies from this new community. Maybe you should stop worrying about his motivations and finish the weapons log before second shift came in to relieve you. ——————— The air outside was hot and sticky, no oscillating fan in the corner to cool you down as you walked towards the soccer field to look for David. You put your hand above your eyes to shield them from the setting sun and saw him kicking the ball with a tall man in a white t-shirt. His laughter travelled across the air as he volleyed back and forth with him, missing the black and white ball as it rolled past him toward you.

“Uh oh, Mama’s here,” Negan trotted toward you and picked up the ball, holding it loosely against his abdomen. “Looks like we’re in trouble.” He winked at you and looked back at David, beckoning for him to come over.

Negan? Playing ball with David… your David? You’d never seen him like this, in just his t-shirt before. Sure, you’d seen him naked a few days ago, but this… this was different. He was sweating, no, glowing from his game with your son, tiny beads of perspiration dripping down his temples and into the salt and pepper of his beard. His skin wrinkled as he smiled at you, enveloping those droplets of sweat completely as those perfect teeth of his made your chest warm up.

“Back so soon?” You crossed your arms over your chest, debating whether or not to put your walls back up with brick and mortar, or just to leave the wooden planks as they were.

“Just got back.” He breathed in heavily, winded from his sprint as he tossed the ball to David. His hand inadvertently found its way into your son’s hair, ruffling his locks as he held onto the ball.

“Thanks, Mr. Negan.” David squinted as he looked up at him and smiled, the sun bringing out golden hues in his hair as Negan’s fingers playfully ran through it.

“Just call me Negan,” he told him, bending down to his height. “And you can keep that ball if you want.” His smile was electric, lighting up your son’s face for the first time since you arrived there.

David had never been this happy to spend time with anyone else in your group before, no matter how nice they were to him. Jim had tried to teach him fishing, Toni had cooked with him, but he never quite warmed up to them, not like this, and never this quickly. Maybe your attraction to Negan was genetic, and there was nothing either of you could do about it.

“Thanks for the ball, Negan!” He smiled again and looked up at you, his dark eyes wide with joy and comfort. “Are you going to protect me?” David looked back at your bedfellow, the innocent question he asked everyone suddenly slipping out without warning.

“Of course I am, David! That’s what we do here! We save people!” Negan placed his hand on David’s shoulder, the sound of your son’s name in his mouth both exciting and scary. “As long as you’re at the Sanctuary, I will do everything, and I do mean everything,” he paused for effect, looking up at you and licking his lips, “To make sure you and your mom are safe.” He squeezed his shoulder, smiling at him before tapping his chin with the back of his knuckle.

“No more monsters?” David asked.

“No more monsters,” he promised. “Now, whaddya say I take your mom out for dinner, and you get to hang out with Aunt Sherry and Uncle Dwight for the night? I’ll have her back in time to read you your bedtime story.”

“I don’t need bedtime stories anymore. I’m a big boy.” David stood tall, puffing up his chest.

“Well alright then, I’ll have her home before you go to bed without your bedtime story. Sound good?”

“Sounds good!” David dropped the soccer ball and wrapped his arms around Negan, surprising all three of you.

You were beginning to think that the apocalypse had turned David into a sociopath, a boy with only a few emotions left that were key to his survival. He barely hugged you anymore now that you thought about it, barely kissed you or expressed joy until he walked through the gates of the Sanctuary. Now he was holding this man closer than he’s ever bothered to bring you in the five years of his existence.

You half expected Negan to pull back, to retract from the affection and shrug him off. Instead he chuckled and embraced your son’s tiny arms around his neck as he wrapped his big hands around his shoulders, patting him gently on the back.

An odd feeling came over you as you witnessed the man with romantic interest in you interact with your child. Butterflies in your stomach threatened to turn it over completely as a wave of heat washed over your entire body. What is this feeling, so sudden and new? This feeling was different from the attraction you felt when you were alone with Negan. It was different from the unadulterated love you had for your child. It was somewhere in between the two, and you weren’t exactly sure how to react to it. Was this what normal mothers felt like when their husbands spent time with their children? Is this what you’d been missing out on the entire time you were a single mom? Is this… happiness? Could something like this even be real?

Negan let go of David and stood up, his smile wide as he took your hand. “Whaddya say, mom? You hungry?”

#negan #negan twd #negan fan fiction #negan x reader #the walking dead #Jeffrey Dean Morgan #Words of Affirmation #blackleatherjacketz #negan's thirst squad

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nellie-elizabeth · 6 years ago

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The Walking Dead: Bounty (9x11)

Oh, man, that was actually quite a good episode.

Cons:

I want to be on board for Ezekiel and Carol, but sometimes it just makes me roll my eyes. I get it - surviving isn't enough, you really have to live. That's the theme of this episode, and it's an important one for a show like this to dwell on. But risking four people's lives over a projector light so that the Kingdom can play movies at the festival? I hate to be a spoil sport, but someone could have died. Would it have been worth it for the Kingdom to lose its leader, or for Jerry's baby to lose its father? Come on.

Henry is essentially Carl 2.0 at this point, and while I don't uniformly hate every scene Henry is in anymore, I will say that Carl was at his most annoying when he was being dreamily optimistic, and Henry isn't an improvement on that. This show seems to think we need a wide-eyed innocent to remind the hardened adults what they're fighting for. I'm not so sure that character trope has ever been pulled off without being incredibly irritating.

Pros:

So, like I said, the theme here is about living vs. surviving. It's a pretty clear dichotomy, and it's one that this show has already tapped into plenty of times, but here we're seeing it as a community vs. Whisperers dichotomy as well, and there's actually a lot of really great material in support of this theme.

First of all, I will admit that the flashback scene at the beginning of this episode hit me right in the feels. Ezekiel and Carol learn that Jerry's girlfriend is pregnant, and they celebrate that. We also see Jesus and Tara come to drop off some supplies, and a copy of a constitution that is meant to be signed by all of the nearby communities. Due to whatever mysterious thing happened in the six year time jump, Alexandria has obviously pulled out of talks for such a union, but Ezekiel keeps the constitution, and maintains hope that one day it will be signed. Seeing Jesus was a punch to the gut, and a good reminder of what's at stake, and what we have to gain, as well as lose. Ezekiel can be something of a ridiculous figure, sure, but he's also brave to be so continually optimistic.

That's actually something I'll say for Ezekiel and Carol's plot thread over all: it positions optimism as brave and heroic. Sure, risking multiple lives for the sake of screening some movies is maybe a little extreme for my particular taste, but the message is clear. What exactly is the point of surviving if we can't find joy in life?

In Hilltop, the Alpha of the Whisperers demands that Lydia be returned, in exchange for Alden and Luke. Daryl doesn't want to give up the poor girl, but eventually it's decided that this is the only option. Henry reluctantly agrees, only when Lydia says she wants to go back. However, as the episode ends, we see that Henry has sneaked off to bring Lydia back, and Daryl goes out after him, followed by Connie, who insists that she can't live with what they've done to Lydia.

This was a powerhouse episode for Daryl. You've got this guy who has been living in the woods, isolating himself from the world around him since the loss of Rick. He believes in the communities, but he doesn't necessarily believe in his own place among his friends. And here he is, trying to be a moral compass for Henry, trying to save Alden and Luke while not giving Lydia up, suddenly thrust into a leadership position that falls to him so naturally, but that he's tried to reject. Hardship can force people together, and I think maybe that's what's happening here a little bit. Daryl might be forced to become part of a community again by virtue of this new external threat.

The best scene in the whole episode for me was Connie saving the baby. The Whisperers are outside of the gates of Hilltop, and the crying of an infant is drawing a hoard of Walkers towards them. The mother of this infant sets the baby down, ostensibly to leave it to be eaten by the Walkers. Why? Well, Alpha explains that they are all animals, and that this is just natural selection. Connie, who is hiding in a cornfield on the edge of Hilltop, is able to see Luke. His hands are tied behind his back, but he manages to sign to her to tell her about the baby. She runs forward and grabs the infant, then has to make her terrifying escape through the corn field and back to safety.

There are two levels on which this scene worked for me. The first, more superficially, is that I'm always pleased when this show can come up with a new scary scenario with the Walkers. Having a Deaf woman holding a baby running through a tight, enclosed space... that was certainly a new and terrifying scenario. I was on the edge of my seat, even if I was pretty confident that Connie and the baby would get out.

The second level is thematically - saving that baby was an incredibly risky thing to do. Caring for another infant isn't going to be easy, and while Hilltop is doing okay, resources are not unlimited. But of course Connie risks her life to save a baby. Of course Luke tells her where the baby is. And of course multiple people in Hilltop create a ruckus to try and divert the Walker hoard away from their desired snack. This is a community of people who don't even hesitate when it comes to saving a child's life. Throughout the course of this show there have been plenty of evil people taking advantage of the harshness of the apocalypse to do horrible things to other people. But the inherent goodness of humanity is still on display. A baby's in trouble? Every decent-minded person in the area stops what they are doing and fights as hard as they can to save that baby. It might seem like an obvious thing for our heroes to do, but I think it's still important to clearly state this philosophy in opposition to what we're seeing from the Whisperers, and what we've seen from so many other antagonists over the years.

I think that's all I've got for now. I'm excited to check back in with Michonne next week. I feel good about this half of the season. Precocious little Judith turned me off from the time jump stuff at first, but she's playing a minimal role, and there's a lot of stuff here that I find really interesting. I'm particularly loving the focus on Daryl as a character, and I hope we keep up with that.

9/10

#review #walking dead #walking dead review #the walking dead #the walking dead review #twd

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booksandtea · 6 years ago

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Author Interview | Rhiannon Frater For the month of October I’m hosting Spooks and Tea where we aim to consume as much horror, or spooky, books as possible.

I also wanted to do something a little different and fun this year so I reached out to a few authors to see if any would be interested in taking part, most of them agreed to do a Q&A with the Book Club! I have never felt more blessed.

If you’re a member of Books and Tea you’ll have been given the chance to ask these authors questions, as well as getting to see their answers early.

It is now time for me to share the second one which is the amazing Rhiannon Frater! I was introduced to her work in my early blogging years and I think she’s a staple to the horror world tbh, and I love the fact she’ll sell personalised signed copies of her work on her etsy which makes us international bookworms very happy! Keep reading to see what we asked her.

Rhiannon Frater

Rhiannon Frater is the award-winning author of the As the World Dies zombie trilogy (Tor) as well as independent works such as The Last Bastion of the Living (declared the #1 Zombie Release of 2012 by Explorations Fantasy Blog and the #1 Zombie Novel of the Decade by B&N Book Blog).

She was born and raised in Texas where she currently resides with her husband and furry children (a.k.a pets).

She loves scary movies, sci-fi and horror shows, playing video games, cooking, dyeing her hair weird colors, and shopping for Betsey Johnson purses and shoes.

Find her at: Instagram | Twitter | GoodReads | Website | Pinterest

What are your hopes for Z Nation season 5? (I picked this series back up thanks to you and I screamed about it so much a few of my friends did too!) I’m thrilled you started watching because of me! SHARE THE ZOMBIE LOVE!

To answer your question, I would love to see the return of all our missing favs: Sun Mei, Red, 5k, and Addy. It looks like I’m getting my wish! Of course, Karl Schaeffer, the showrunner, has to evilly tease us by saying (paraphrasing) “They’re back, but how long until they die!” He loves his hashtag #donttrustznation.

I would also LOVE it if the show was able to book Steven Yuen or Chandler Riggs. The showrunners promised the actors they won’t kill them if they guest star.

Which character from Z Nation would you most want to be watching your back in a Zombie Apocalypse? Roberta Warren. She’s an amazing leader and I would follow her to the ends of the earth.

In a typical horror movie setting, how long do you see yourself surviving? I’m not certain what typical is anymore. If it’s World War Z, I’m toast instantly. I do know how to shoot and I drive like a stunt driver (so I’m told), so I could probably last a reasonable amount of time against a regular monster if I have a gun and fast car. If I don’t have those things, I’m probably dead meat.

What horror monsters could you see yourself beating a fight? Traditional vampires. I know better than to invite them into my house. I win automatically.

Which horror monsters do you fear the most? Slasher monsters like Jason and Freddie. I don’t watch slashers at all.

If you could write a horror book with any author, living or dead, who would you pick and why? Jane Austen. It would be so subversive and fun.

What media influenced you the most? (i.e movies, tv shows, books) I love books. I always have. But when it comes to my love of horror, definitely films. I follow in my grandfather’s love of the horror film genre.

What video games do you find yourself returning ot the most, and what aspect do you find most important? (For me its definitely character customisation, but also the ability to reload should I make the wrong decision) I play Guild Wars 2 religiously. Every damn day. I love it so much. The setting is just so imaginative and fun. Plus, I love the “fashion wars” aspect of the game, too. I’m a big fan of Fallout New Vegas and Mass Effect, too. I enjoy games that allow me to play women who kick ass.

What was your first main struggle on becoming a writer? The main struggle was figuring out how to get published. In 2008, my husband approached me with the idea of self-publishing. We self-published As The World Dies and it was later picked up by Tor. It was very rewarding to take things into my own hands and have the end result be a traditional publishing contract with a genre powerhouse like Tor.

You’re currently writing two serials on two different platforms (Patreon and Radish), what has your experience been like with these? It’s fun, but can be mentally exhausting when I have to keep switching back and forth between very different stories. I’ve grown as a writer by doing the serials, so I’m glad I’m doing them.

Can you tell new readers a bit more about your serials? The serial on Patreon was revised and published as The Unblessed Dead and The Accused Dead. It’s now a new post-apocalyptic book series. It’s origin was actually a short story called The Necromancer (you can read it here for free) originally published in Zombie Tales From Dead Worlds.

The Radish serial, The Impaled Bride, is a sequel/prequel to The Vampire Bride Dark Rebirth trilogy. By the time I’m done, it will be a whole new trilogy that I will most likely self-publish.

If you could be in any of your characters shoes, which would it by any why? That’s tough because all my characters are in really difficult situations and dealing with stuff I definitely don’t want to deal with. I think I’ll have to take a pass on this question!

Why Zombies, Vampires, and Necromancers of all creatures? What makes them so unique and compelling that you write about them? Well, zombies always make a great background for a post-apocalyptic tale. Their constant threat and the dread that comes with it really adds to any tale of survival. I have always loved vampires thanks to Bela Lugosi and Hammer Films. Necromancers are intriguing because they bridge the gap between the living and dead. They add a new dynamic to any story because of their abilities. I love all monsters, of course. I just haven’t written about all of them yet.

Oh and lastly this is more just for me than anything, I think you’re still blonde with a bit of very light pink? How difficult has it been for you to not return to a more intense bright colour? Im currently in the same position but a bit of very light blue and I feel like I lost a bit of me in this change. I’ve wanted to do rose gold for a while. It’s a very hard color to maintain. I’m trying to figure out how to make it work at least for a few more months before I switch it out again. The platinum blonde look before the rose gold has been tough to keep up, too, but it’s been fun to experiment.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, I had so much fun talking to Rhiannon and I’m super excited to dive back into Z Nation and seeing her tweets about it weekly! I have her As She Dies trilogy on my TBR for this month so *fingers crossed* I have time for that with all the travelling I have coming up.

Thank you so much for reading this! What did you think about Rhiannon’s answers?

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nerdylittleshit · 8 years ago

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Thoughts about Spn 12x11

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

You know that feeling when you take a nap and wake up three years later? Anyway, finally watched the episode. And it was a good one.

Rowena/Witchy Witchcraft

If there is one thing I didn’t like about this episode it were the antagonists. Frankly, I found them boring. Though the spell itself of course was interstering and cruel in a million different ways. I think the most interesting thing about them was their backstory with Rowena. I always like to hear more of her lifestory. And once she has been pictured as a powerless woman, at the mercy of others. She was forced to flee from her home land, to seek refugee in another country/other witches, just to be cast out again (and as I’m writing this her story reads like a political statement... given that Meredith Glynn wrote 12x05 that might not be a coincidence). Also this is the first reminder in this season that the Men of Letters were responsible for the fall of the Grand Coven. This was something I had hoped would play a role before season 12 started, so I’m glad they mentioned it again and that it will be indeed become important again (at least when they have to fight the British MoL they can count Rowena on their side).

I really like the scene where Rowena confessed in Dean, knowing he would forget about their conversation. It is something Rowena doesn’t allow herself to do, because in her eyes it makes her weak, and weakness is what gets a woman like her killed. But yeah, even she needs someone to talk to.

Their conversation of course was also about their moralities. She calls Dean a killer right away - and well we know it is true. But she also tells him that whatever horrible things he does he does it for the greater good, unlike her. She does it for power. And after her encounter with Chuck and Amara she wonders if power is the only thing worth living for or if it even satisfies you (because Chuck and Amara are the most powerfull beings in the universe, but in the end they only needed each other, their family... so will Rowena try to make up with her family?).

Anyway, what is more interesting is that Dean asks her if doing bad things for the right reason is what makes it okay. Does the cause justify the means? And this of course is a question we need to ask herself regarding the methods of the British MoL this season.

Another interesting spell other than the curse Den got hit with was the one the witches wanted to use on Sam. They wanted to swap his soul with their dead brother’s soul? So would that have mean that Sam’s soul would have lived on, but in another body? I wonder if this is foretelling for something that might happen in an upcoming episode.

Of course Rowena wanted to get her hands on the book, of course Sam saw right through it. I’m still not convinced she didn’t find a loophole to read it anyway.

Also: Rowena’s post its were the best. I’m predicting now the season finale will be 40 minutes of Dean and his grenade launcher.

Also also: finally someone appreciating Rowena’s strong hair game.

Dean

In true Spn fashion the episode started funny but became real tragic very soon. They are the master of mood whiplash after all.

I think it is quite telling that everyone (the people in town, Sam, Rowena) immediately assume Dean is hangover. Especially from Sam, because he should know his brother better than that.

Anyway, I think the fact Dean woke up with a rabbit only makes sense with the “then” sequence where we see Dean reppulsed by another witch using a rabbit to perform a spell. I think with Dean having killed one of the witches the show might say this time Dean saved the bunny as well (though we don’t know if their kind of magic requires such sacrfices). Anyway, for a moment I thought Dean would take the rabbit with him.

Also, hi Kuma.

The way Dean was all wax poetic about waffles mend there is probably a deeper meaning there and I know @mittensmorgul has meta about the meaning of waffles in Spn, that I must read now in all its glory.

We also get yet another reminder that Dean gets older (”You’re not twenty anymore”), yet we see him under the spell acting more and more like a child, which was hilirious until... well it wasn’t anymore. Also, Dean being all defensive about Dory means he had this argument with someone before.

I know there are things like contracts that prevented Cas and Mary to show up, and Dean probably didn’t wanted them to worry about him, but Sam not asking them for help was stupid. They could have helped with the witches and/or take care of Dean (also: Mary meeting Rowena *__*).

The whole sequence in the bar looked on the surface like the return of dudebro Dean or Dean falling back to old habits, but I think there was more to it. First of all Dean riding Larry. Like you can’t make this any less gay, even if you try. And then of course Dean having sex with the waitress. Because here is what he says:

First action in I don't know how long, and it's like it never even happened. Figures.

Which tells us two things. 1) It confirms Dean very long dry spell. When was the last time before that that he had sex? Not counting his time as demon? It is 9x08. 2) “It’s like it never even happened.” Exactly. Because first of all with only the waitress telling the story it is an unreliable narrator. And despite the question if it happened or not, Dean can’t remember it. For him it is like it has never happened. And I think this is how the show tells us to treat it as well: something that never happened. Apart from that I thought it was important the woman apologized for thinking she took advantage of Dean. This is huge in a show so full of sexual assault and consent issues.

There were also a lot of references to old episodes that I really liked (the new writers this season all this, as if they want to let us know they did their homework). There was of course 4x06. Dean mans the flashlight again. After learning what his brother and he do for a living he thinks it is awesome and more so, that they are heroes (and really when has he ever thought of himself like this?). To which Sam says: If you like greasy diner food, crappy motels rooms, more than one Apocalypse. Which sounded a lot like what Dean said in 4x06 And that Sam, that is exactly why our lives suck. I mean, come on, we hunt monsters! What the hell?! I mean, normal people, they see a monster, and they run. But not us, no, no, no, we -- we search out things that want to kill us. Yeah? Huh? Or eat us! You know who does that? Crazy people! We...are insane! You know, and then there's the-the-the bad diner food and then the skeevy motel rooms and then the truck-stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean, who wants this life, Sam? Huh? Seriously? Do you actually like being stuck in a car with me eight hours a day, every single day? I don't think so! I mean, I drive too fast. And I listen to the same five albums over and over and over again, a-and I-an-and I sing along. I'm annoying, I know that. And you --you're gassy! You eat half a burrito, and you get toxic! I mean, you know what? You can forget it. Also, sirens aren’t all hot chicks. Some of them even come disguised as hot dudes. Ehem. And his exitement that their best friend is an angel. Just kill me now.

But after the fun part follows the depressing part, as always. When Dean doesn’t just forget the burden his life has brought him, but the good things as well. His family, his friends, himself. That is what is really scary.

You know, I've seen my brother die, but watching him become not him. This might actually be worse.

And this is the cruelity of the course. They could have just killed Dean. Or use a simply spell that would have made him forget about the witches but nothing else. Instead his condition gets slowly worse and worse. And Sam is right, this is harder than just killing someone. Because what is the value of a life if you can’t remember it? And it is a punishment for Sam as well. I can only imaging that this what it must feel like for people who lose their loved ones to Alzheimer disease. Silently watching how they disappear, unable to help.

Dean’s little mantra - My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Uh, Mary Winchester is my mom. And Cast-- Cas is my best friend. - is also, as I speculated, from Sam. Now I already babbled about the significance of Sam describing Cas to Dean as his best friend, and not his brother, so I spare you this time.

The end dialogue between the brothers summed up the episode pretty well. How happy Dean was at the beginning, free from all his burden. But that forgetting in the end meant the good things as well, and the significance of their doing, and ultimately Dean’s identity.

Also, the end montage was an actual piece of art.

(And the promo for next week leaves me worried. Stop hurting Cas 2k17)

#supernatural #spn 12x11 #regarding dean #spn meta #spoilers #my meta

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oflgtfol · 6 years ago

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been thinking about death/the afterlife a lot lately...

i think the way rick riordan explained the afterlife in pjo was really interesting and optimistic, how all kinds of afterlifes exist and all religions are true in their own way, and when you die you go to your own version of the afterlife. but in a way its also freaky because he also accounted for the people who don’t have any belief or think that you cease to exist after death

and it’s just.... it’s scary to think about idk. because when i really think about it, i just. can’t really imagine there being an afterlife. we can all hope for one but based on the facts we as human beings have at this point in time, it just feels like a hope and not a reality.

even the more supernatural things in general, i just can’t... truly take them as fact? hell i’ve even had a very supernatural experience in second grade, and my brother was there with me and we saw the exact same thing so i can’t even say it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but even looking back on that it’s just... i cant say it was a ghost? it’s fun to think about ghosts and all that and it’s fun to think about What If They’re Real? or even to act like they ARE real but when i really rationalize it i just... don’t see it. and i think all the experiences that have probably the most basis for something supernatural at work are just... unexplained. outside of our knowledge for some reason or the other. maybe both me and my brother had our eyes playing tricks on us, i mean it’s not very hard to find the shape of a person in the darkness.

and so the only ~definitive~ proof we have of what happens after death would be the people who have died but came back. and they tell of stories of a white light at the end of the tunnel, of god, of christianity, but like. even then i dont believe it. all these stories are all from people obviously raised christian. i wonder what people of other religions see when they die and come back? do they see their version of the afterlife or do they still see what christians do? like i just feel like maybe these are just hallucinations or something, dreams, your mind trying to make sense of something like death. and at that point you have to think, is this someone’s internal bias taking over? if you’re raised with the idea that the christian afterlife is what happens after death, as christians are, then you’ll of course see it. and if you’re a part of another religion/not religious at all and still see this - well, that makes sense, since christianity is so prevalent in society and shoved in everyone’s faces to where even if you believe something else it may have still gotten under your skin subconsciously

i don’t really know WHAT i believe. because as i said, logically i just don’t see anything happening. life came about by chance on this hunk of rock we called earth. i dont see how life has any inherent meaning either, so death doesn’t have any meaning as well. life and death are just things that happen. the world existed before life ever did here and the world will continue after we’re gone. life and sentience are just a complex phenomenon in nature

but.. i dont really WANT to believe that. it’s scary to think that this life is all we have. if life has no inherent meaning, then it’s up to us to make meaning of it, and it’s so scary to think that yes i really have been wasting my whole life doing absolutely nothing meaningful. and to think that i could die at any point, soon or later, unexpected and still without having made something of my meager time, and i couldnt even continue in ANY capacity afterwards because i’d just... cease to exist. i couldnt even look on as a ghost and lament how i Died Too Young, Too Soon. i wouldn’t feel anything. i wouldn’t even be apathetic because i wouldn’t Be. and that’s so scary to think about, to go from Being to Not Being and have it mean absolutely nothing to the rest of the world, the rest of the universe. it’s scary to think about but i can’t help but feel like this is the most likely option

but on the other hand, thinking about if there is an afterlife is equally as scary. i was raised catholic, as i’ve talked about before, and i hate how much it really impacted me even down to subconsciously, to this day. because when i think about if there is an afterlife, i can only ever picture the kind i was raised with. and by god that afterlife is scary.

heaven is cool and all yeah whatever but like, i was raised catholic. and i’ve been a Bad Christian for years now. my best case scenario is going to purgatory and suffering my sins out for however long till i can go to heaven. but i mean with my track record, and the way that the church was like “you’ll go to hell for being a nonbeliever!!!!” i can’t help but feel like... yes i am going to hell. and it fucking terrifies me still. i’ve rejected the church and yet i’m still terrified of the wrath of god because of the Catholic Guilt i was raised with and i hate it. i hate it. because when i think about if there’s an afterlife and i think about how god will smite me down, and how scared it makes me, it makes me want to grasp at straws and cling to any chance i have at going to heaven.

and GOD. thats so ANNOYING. i should not want to be a Good Christian simply because i fear god! and that’s what annoys me so much about catholicism. i disagree with so much of the doctrine and honestly? i don’t fucking want to worship that kind of god if the stuff they told me is true. what kind of god rules his subjects with an iron fist like this. like “you’re going to hell if you dont worship me and dedicate your entire fucking lives to it.” like “i will offer no evidence that i even exist and expect you to continue to believe in me even when there is no factual basis and especially when horrible events occur to you and i do nothing to intervene despite me being a Benevolent Being who Loves You, and then when you have no faith in me, i will cast you into hell, because Good Christians Have Faith.” like “you’re automatically going to hell if you kill yourself even if you have a mental illness and shouldn’t be faulted for your actions because life was already suffering enough for you to be unable to take it anymore but now you’ll suffer for all of eternity just because you didnt value the life that god gave you, simply because its a gift from GOD.” like “you’re still going to hell even if you kill yourself to save other people, yes including literally the entire human species. you threw away god’s gift and so you must suffer for all of eternity.”

one of the first lessons i had as a child and we were learning about hell was with the teacher telling us about how the suffering was for all of eternity. do you know how long eternity is? its unfathomably long. it has no end. i was a child and being taught that If I Mess Up Badly Enough, i will suffer for literally longer than my feeble human mind can even understand, because it has no length, since it literally has no end!!!! do you know how terrifying this is for a kid. especially a kid like me who was anxious over literally everything like 2012 and alien invasions and zombie apocalypses. i was in 5th grade and i learned about the rapture and it scared me so badly that it made me suddenly really invested in Becoming A Good Christian So That My Eternal Soul Is Not Suffering For All Of Eternity

it makes me so angry to think about the church i was raised in and i cant tell if this is just how catholicism/christianity as a whole is or if my church was especially bad or what. but either way i just cannot voluntarily dedicate myself to this religion anymore ever since i started realizing everything wrong with it

and the fact im still terrified of eternal damnation just goes to show how deep this shit goes. and it makes me MORE angry . and it makes me want to separate myself from this as much as possible. but thinking of actually having to fact eternal damnation makes me doubt if i could hold true to this if i actually face judgment, and it makes me EVEN ANGRIER to think that god would be so cruel that he’d force people to be bootlickers just to avoid something like burning in the fires of hell for ALL OF ETERNITY simply for not believing in him.

so yes, the idea of an afterlife is just as scary as the idea of their not being an afterlife. and i guess in the end i’d prefer to just cease to exist. but sometimes i’m still worried that oh no! what if there is an afterlife! and it’s not even like you can choose, like oh no this is the only afterlife and now we’re all going to hell for being nonbelievers. and sometimes this worry makes me contemplate what it’d be like to return to the faith but then it’s like. i shouldnt do this simply because i’m afraid of god. it’d be disingenuous and i’d still go to hell anyway since it’s not like i can even love god with this kind of view towards christianity, so he’d see right through my fake ass practices and it’d all be futile in the end, having wasted my whole life slaving away for this god damn religion like i’ve always wanted to avoid. and even despite that, it’s like, i shouldn’t have to do this in the first place. what kind of god is so full of himself that he’d punish someone for ALL OF ETERNITY because they’re not kissing his feet 24/7 and Dare to doubt him

i wish i was raised without any religion at all. like, because i was raised with this, i don’t think i could even convert to another religion. i admire a lot of religions for the story aspect, but i simply don’t have the drive to carry out the everyday routines and discipline behind them (even if i can admire those too), and what’s the use to them really if i don’t believe in the more uh, supernatural aspect of them, for lack of a better word.

my ideal afterlife would probably be reincarnation maybe. or maybe like the greek afterlife. hades seems really fair in how there’s various tiers for people and their goodness levels.. outside of set religions though i think my ACTUAL ideal would be to just... spectate the living world. like, i’m dead, but i’m able to just. observe what’s happening. i’d love to do that. i don’t want to die but i don’t want to live forever, but my GOD i really want to see where humanity goes in the future and it pains me to think about everything i’m going to miss. if i could just observe it as some sort of outside spectator...

anyway, back in terms of like organized religions, i just can’t make myself truly believe in them. i can hope but that’s really all i can do. because of how i was raised it’s just, christian afterlife or nothing at all, and both seem so bad that death in itself is scary to think about. if only i was raised without a religion, then i think i could maybe do something. if i could choose a religion and rationalize it on my own and come to believe in it then okay. but i’d probably stay non religious then, but at the very least i’d at least be rid of this stupid catholic guilt and fear of god so i could at least ponder the possibility of different afterlifes without being afraid of going to hell beyond the abstract concept of it

#this got REALLY long and it got a lot more angry at catholicism than i was originally expecting it to but. LOL #delete soon #anyway . yeah my mom goes on about ~indoctrination~ at schools but really. REALLY. with what my church said??#how its been years since i so much as stepped foot in a church and that godfearing instinct is still in me?#all because the church people saw it fit to instill that in us as LITERAL children?#i know we all joke about catholic guilt but GOD i will never not be angry about it #fucking tell adults that you should be guilty for existing fine whatever but i was like seven years old that shit got #under my skin and i'm only realizing it in recent years and months.#i really did not mean to get angry at all during this post but. thats just what fucking happens when i think about the catholic church huh #like i originally started off just thinking about death and the afterlife and by the end it devolved into nearly an essay about why i hate #catholicism and i really had to like set my mind back on track LOL #anyway it took me like an hour and 20 minutes to write this post im done bye

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